The First Steps…

Well, I have been looking for something to talk about today. Just a moment in time to dumb some random thoughts. I first scan the internet for interesting tidbits of information, search through the personal journeys that I am going through and think about the cute things that my daughter does for inspiration. Nothing came to mind today that just reached out and grabbed me. Why I am still writing then, you might ask.

The reason is that sometimes, you just have to start somewhere. You may not know what you want to do but you have to do something. It all begins with the first steps. I am looking at the coming week and I am in the same boat. My daughter goes to her mother’s new place on Friday morning after having spent the past two weeks with me. In those past two weeks, I have spent most of my waking moments playing and doing new things and come Friday, I won’t have that to occupy my time.

This is my life
Its not what it was before
All these feelings I’ve shared
And these are my dreams
That I’d never lived before
Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping
Staind…So Far Way

The realization hit me that we get so dependant on certain things in our life that when they aren’t there, we feel emptiness. Whether it is something as simple as a weekly routine or a friend that is no longer there to share time with. When they aren’t there, you are at a loss on how to fill the void. In my case, there are many things that were there in my life that recently have gone missing or unavailable. People I have brought into my life, shared my self with, and they are no longer there in that capacity. The ideas and plans you had are no longer valid or possible.

So, what do we do? The first instinct is to curl up in a ball and just pull into you. After that fails miserably, you start going on a manic quest for new things. You have a fake sense of happiness or energy as you do many new exciting things but when the day ends, you still feel that loss. Late at night when the outside world goes to sleep you lay awake with memories and questions. In the morning, you open your blurry eyes with the alarm and ask yourself why bother.

Forgotten thoughts of yesterdays
Through my eyes I see the past
Well I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know why

I believe, I believe, I believe in the truth
From inside
Go away, go away, go away from me
Leave me alone
Puddle of Mudd…Drift and Die

Why do we bother? We have to take the first steps. Even when we don’t know what they are or what is going to come from it. You reach for the alarm, turn it off, get out of bed, and start the things you can do. You have to start somewhere. Each step or task you complete is one more thing that adds to who you are. Each “good morning” opens a new door for every door that closes, a new one opens. You cannot change yesterday. You have no idea of what is to come tomorrow. You can only take the next step at this moment.

All of our life is made up of little moments. With enough of them, you will have a past full of memories. Each of these moments changes who you are and who you become. I have seen the recent surveys that are out and one of the questions that pops up over and over again is would you change anything in you past. I can say that there are things that I wish would not have happened but I wouldn’t change them. They are what got me here to this moment and the person that I am.

These are my words
That I’ve never said before
I think I’m doing ok
And this is the smile
That I’ve never shown before
Staind…So Far Away

As I started writing this today, I had no idea of where this would go. The only thing I could so is start with the first step by doing something. When you are sitting there reading this today, ask yourself what did you do today and are you ready to do something?

Until next time…

©  July 2, 2008

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