There are a few things that should be kept in mind when you are single. I mean these are the things that you don’t get in a manual. When you get fired at least you have an exit interview but becoming single is not exactly the same. True, your income is usually affected and you tend to lose half of your possessions. Yes, divorce is sort of like finding out you have a nasty drug habit. Only you can go to rehab for the drugs. Here are a few things to consider as guidelines for the single life.
- Always Have A Wingman: Nothing is more disturbing than going to a bar alone, drinking too much, and then waking up three days later married in Vegas. Not that it happens too often but it only takes once to really get the point across that this is a bad thing. The wingman also serves a purpose of keeping you from making a complete fool of yourself and making those “bad” choices. You might actually like the bar you’re hanging out in and it would be a shame if you have to cower and never go back because of the idiot you made of yourself.
- Never Watch Chick-Flicks Alone: This is very important to remember. If you feel like the newest romantic comedy is a good idea then step away from the remote. This only promotes very bad side effects such as: calling ex-girlfriends, texting random numbers from your contact list, thinking the girl at the gas station is cute even though she has a bigger mustache than you. Whatever you do, never tell your other friends you watched it. This will only run them off and give them fodder for jokes for weeks.
- Porn DVD Movies: Though you might have the second largest porn DVD collection west of the Mississippi, it is never good to brag about it. It isn’t very enticing to break out the latest Jenna Jamison video on your first date. And if you do and they think it is the coolest thing, well, you might want to re-evaluate your standards. And what ever you do, people don’t want to see your own home-made movies from your previous exes unless your ex-girlfriend is a Jenna Jamison.
- Resist The Hummer: I know you think you need to show the world that you’re confident, self-assured and well off but, going out to get an H3 is not the answer. Nothing says that I am over compensating like a 7000 pound chunk of metal. Other items that are off-limits are: Corvettes, Boats, Gold chain jewelry and Emo haircuts.
- Masturbation Is Not a Group Event: Everyone does it. If you have the second largest porn collection you might have a black belt in masturbation. But, we don’t need to brag about it. We don’t want to discuss your solo prowess, the lube you use or the technique that you employ. This is a solo event and for heaven’s sake, don’t kiss and tell.
In summary, these are only the tip of the iceberg so to speak. There are many other rules of engagement that have to be considered. We have to follow some standards. My question to propose to each of you is what rules need to be added to this list. Share your wisdom.