Information is all around us. In a time when time management means more about sorting through your email than it does scheduling more effective ways to do your job, we have the extremely counterproductive invention, SPAM to deal with. We are not talking about the canned goodness of process meats, but the unsolicited bulk emails populating our inboxes like cockroaches at a fraternity house. These emails truly have a purpose, well not really but I was hoping to make that one person out there who only gets SPAM, feel a little better about their sorry existence. The messages come in one of two flavors: criminal gateway or a commercial advertisement into your computer.
The criminal aspect of SPAM may have a couple of goals. Most common is to coax the recipient into clicking a link or opening an attachment that will deploy a nice little virus on your computer. The virus will in turn, infect the computer of everyone you know. We can agree that we all know someone who has done this at least once. The Geek Squad and Norton thank you for their business after this happens. The second goal is usually to trick the unsuspecting reader into giving up personal information in order to steal something, usually your identity. Both prey on the uninformed or non-tech savvy users who do not understand the impact of the tempting “special offer”. Even after all the horror stories they hear, these lost people will do some action that will achieve the sender’s objective and then complain about it later with the statement “I just don’t know how this happened.”
The commercial advertisement is less nefarious but often time-consuming. Most attempt to exploit people’s desire to get something for nothing. Calls to action like, “Take this pill and lose weight,” are appealing because sitting on our asses is a much more desired past time than actual exercise. Maybe it is the get-rich-quick schemes reeling them in. None of us wants to work to earn our wonderful life style. I find these schemes to be the most entertaining. In fact, I enjoy them so much, that I want to respond with a comment. However, most emails use fake addresses. So, I have composed a few responses and observations from my favorite SPAM messages. I hope the senders are reading this post.
- No, I don’t want to buy your vacuum cleaner, knife set, or power washer. If I wanted to buy what you are selling, I would most likely go to the local store and pick it out there. You may be selling the best product out there for only $19.95 and throwing in the free attachments but to charge $75 for shipping just is not right. Not only does your product suck but obviously so does your shipping company.
- My penis size is just fine. I don’t think I need to respond to this one any further. Thank you for the email. I will forward on to my wife’s ex-husband. I hear he needs your assistance.
- There are HOT girls in my area that are waiting naked for me? Do these girls have a manager that wants to take payment up front? Seriously, where were these girls when I was younger and single? If they are advertising in mass emails, I am not sure I want to have anything to do with them.
- Viagra? Fake Cialis? Again with the penis emails. Has my wife been suggesting they send me these emails?
- For the record, I do not speak Russian. Even if this email was offering the best thing out there, I cannot understand what it says. Straight to the trash bin with these. Well, except for the ones with the pictures of hot women. I forward those on to my single friends. You know the guys who haven’t been with a girl since Star Wars was released, still rocking the mullets…
- Let’s just get this out of the way. Thank you for the message that someone wants to date me. I am sure these people appreciate you publicizing their inability to get a date without your company. Broadcasting their hard luck story to millions of people is surely the way to go. I do feel sorry for them and my friend, who has the original copy of Star Wars on laser disc, would very much like to share with you. I will forward this one to him as well.
- Finally, I am sorry that you need to get some money to your family members but, no, you cannot use my bank account to do it. Though the offer to double my money is very generous and I am sure that somewhere in Nigeria I am disappointing someone. However, I am not feeling all that helpful or generous today.
In short, if you receive email that you didn’t request, except from those strange distant relatives or struggling bloggers, then the best advice is to delete it quickly before you cause yourself grief.
Until next time…
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