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So You Want To Be a Blogger…

04 Jun

It begins after you’ve read your Facebook status, accepted a few new friends, deleted a few others, completed your tasks in Farmville, and then you follow a link over to a blog site. You get lost following the links and reading other people’s attempt at sharing their inner writer. After a couple of hours of blog exploration you begin to think to yourself:

”I can do this. I am witty, have a computer, and people seem to like what I have to say.”

ComputerThe Site

You spend days researching the perfect site- your platform to launch your message, showcasing your originality and creativity. Finding the site that will give you the most focus, you decide to not belittle your project with a free site.  Now is the time to invest money purchasing your own domain name, renting server space, paying someone to set up the site, and configuring the site for  the optimal amount of  viewers. As a budding writer, you will need to get people to read your work, so contracts are signed for advertisers to promote the new exciting site. No expense is too small when highlighting all the important witty things you have to say. Other bloggers brag about how they were able to quit their jobs with the revenue they made from blogging part-time. Because you are much better than those other bloggers you have read, then obviously if they can make money, you can begin planning your early retirement to a nice tropical paradise. However, you have the next step to prepare for and since you have spent a small fortune setting up the site, you now need to obtain the right tools.

The Tools

You realize that professional writers need the best equipment, so you head out to purchase a state-of-the-art computer loaded with all the newest gadgets. Electronic stores look for people just like you. These electronic stores, with all the latest and greatest gadgets, base their quarterly income on the dreamers with an idea, who will to stop at nothing and spend anything in pursuit of their dream.  The other part of their quarterly income comes from the sports fans that need the 72” theater system to watch their team lose week after week. As a new writer you have the inflated, elated feeling of an experienced blogger already, so you decide you will not sacrifice your talent to just any computer, smartphone or display-only the best for you. Shopping cart full, you happily proceed out the door from the electronics store thinking that you really need to upgrade your car to something more fitting of your status as you anticipate your fame and fortune. Maybe you need to do some research about what the successful bloggers are driving these days but cringe hoping it isn’t a Prius.

Unloading your overpriced toys, I mean tools; you suddenly discover you do not have the best work area to cultivate your creativity. After lobbying (begging) your spouse to change the spare room into an office, you are faced with the next challenge in your journey: creating the right atmosphere for your work space.

The Right Workspace

Wall color is essential to your ability to write. You could pay an overpriced (notice this is the second time that word is used, see the trend?) designer but in the nature of being the underground writer that you are, you decide to pick the color yourself. Unless you are a rebellious controversial blogger, I would recommend staying away from anything in the blood red color spectrum. Pale blues give off peaceful feelings but also promote sleeping. The earthy tone realm is recommended.  Nothing gets the creative juices flowing like earth tones. However, be cautious as these earth tones also promote the desire to drive the eco-friendly Prius.

Once the room is painted, it is time once again to go shopping. The right desk can make or break the writer so you need to carefully examine which desk will inspire you to get your words out to the eagerly waiting world. Small desks do not bring “great writer” to mind in fact they seem like the Prius of writers. The over-sized executive desk seems like overkill. You settle on the ultra-modern, overpriced (there is that word again) glass-topped desk. You just know that all the successful bloggers have artistically pretentious desks in their offices. In addition the desk will look great in front of the new bay window you talked your spouse into letting you install in your world of wonder and creativity.

The Writing

Sitting in front of the afore mentioned bay window, behind your new wrap-around glass top desk, sipping your espresso from your new coffee machine, thinking about how great it was you quit that silly job that was so obviously beneath your creative mind, you suddenly realize this is THE life. The cursor on your new computer blinks as you think how offensive a blank screen can be. Just a few more hours before you can relax from all the stress of trying to write your great work of art that everyone will rave about after reading. Fans and stalkers alike are out there just waiting for your words on the blog that will change their lives. Your fans will be lining up in droves to subscribe to your every word.  You think about how everyone will link their Facebook status to your page, and tweeting like mad, pinning you, stumbling across you, making your blog go viral. Your thoughts will reach millions of people. So when your inspiration to write kicks in, all of this will come together and you can finally show everyone how a blog should be written. It is only a matter of time…

Five minutes later, you realize that much of the fodder for your stinging wit is still back at your old job. Now, to figure out where best to people watch, while keeping up your image…

Next Up: So You Want to Be a Motivational Speaker

Until next time…

jerryb

© 2012

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9 Comments

Posted by on June 4, 2012 in Humor, Writing

 

Tags: , , , ,

9 responses to “So You Want To Be a Blogger…

  1. Anonymous

    June 9, 2012 at 10:52 pm

    I hear you man. I say find a kindred soul – the Bard – and see what he has to say. With a little update, Hamlet is the modern blogger …

    To blog, or not to blog: that is the question:
    Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
    The slings and arrows of inner dialog,
    Or to take arms against a sea of distractions,
    And by opposing end them? …

    Of course the tortured Dane was a bit more dramatic as his soliloquy goes on what with the talk of bodkins and bearing fardels.

     
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