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So You Want to Be a Motivational Speaker

06 Jun

Previous: So You Want to Be A Blogger

Since the launch of your blog, life has been going well. So well, you feel that you should share your insights with many others. After gaining popularity with the twelve people following your fascinating blog, many hours of Bejeweled logged during your writer’s block, and a collection of Starbuck’s paper cups filling your new office, it is now time to take things to the next level. How could you top your blogging success? Time to take your vast knowledge on the road- you want to become a Motivational Speaker.

The Look

In order to be successful, you must have the right look. You need to throw out every bit of your current wardrobe and start over. Start by checking your spouse’s credit card balance, as your credit cards have been maxed out from your blog launch. However if your balances are unable to accommodate the “new” you, you might need to find another source of funding like new credit cards or a benefactor. Image is very important! Only the very best will project the level of success needed for your protégés. Who would pay big bucks to see someone wearing a worn suit from Men’s Warehouse? Don’t forget to get the right shoes for the outfit, a proper Motivational Speaker must tower above the rest of his followers.

Now is time to rid yourself of the yellowed, coffee stained teeth acquired over your recent Starbuck’s addiction. One hugely important aspect all motivational speakers and used car salesmen share is a bright winning smile. Your face will be plastered all over billboards, which means your teeth will be the size of poster boards. Spare no expense getting those pearly whites capped for the brightest smile possible. At this point you may need to check on your mistress’s credit limit –you know the mistress you hooked up with over the internet while you were writing your blog. Once you have the look, you need to get the message ready for the masses.

Creating the Right Pitch

Dale Carnegie could tell you how to “win friends and influence people” and Tony Robbins has been “unleashing the power within” over the years, so you need a new message that speaks to the masses—a message that will have them lining up around the block to be in your presence. Time to do research. Thankfully, YouTube has all the necessary pirated video clips of the most popular speakers so you can memorize the delivery and approach. You quickly realize all the great motivational stuff seems to have been said before.  Your post-it notes cover the walls of your office in multi-colored greatness as you try to figure out what to say to the crowds. Then it dawns on you. Why recreate the wheel? Gather up all your post-it notes and start copying all your notes into your new spiel. With your new mash-up of catch phrases, it is time to start your world tour.

Time for the Buzz!

All great motivational speakers on tour have marketing material and swag for sale. Since you have already maxed out your spouse’s credit cards, both of your mistresses are in financial ruin, and the guy that comes over to cut your grass loaned you his last twenty dollars, you decide now is the time to reach out to your parents so they can invest in your multi-million dollar endeavor. Since their house is paid off, it will be easy to mortgage it and build your media kit. No simple instamatic camera will do for your pictures, it is time to hire the best photographer and graphic designer around to create the posters, website and DVD covers. It is time to hire a public relations company to handle your career.

At this point, you need to get in the studio to record your amazing prose for your new CD and practice your delivery. Though ordering the first 10,000 copies seems steep, it will be well worth the investment when the public sees your pearly white smile on the newly designed cover art.

Time to be great.

Time to be great.

Unleash the Person Within!

You have the look, the catch phrases, the bright white smile on the cover of your over-priced CD, along with all the people behind your new career. As you sit in your newly expanded office, with your image plastering the walls, your mistress in her role as your new secretary, you rock back in your chair and wait for the word to spread about your stunning message.

You pick up your phone, asks your secretary to fetch you a Starbuck’s and smile to yourself about how clever and far you have come since you left that job to become a blogger, now an aspiring motivational speaker. What could possibly be next…

Until next time…

jerry b

© 2012

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1 Comment

Posted by on June 6, 2012 in Humor, Writing

 

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One response to “So You Want to Be a Motivational Speaker

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