Reflecting over some of the choices I have made has brought me to a higher understanding of the whole “cause and effect” scenario in life. I was having one of these moments of understanding as I was kneeling in my bedroom, my head over the small trashcan, dry heaving after a night of festivities. By the time I had purged all that was inside me, the realization I might not have made the best choice in my alcohol consumption levels was very clear as I sat back and groaned. At these moments, the skies part and you see the world a little more clearly, if not a little too brightly.
Some ideas just sound great when you are drinking, but should never actually be attempted. The worst part of implementing these ideas would be there is no “morning after” pill to remove the stain of the decisions made under the influence. With the internet and sites like YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc., our inebriated deeds are now more public than ever. So, let’s review some things that might sound good while under the evil influence but in reality, are the equivalent to an epic failure, sort of like Waterworld or the last American Pie movie.
In order to be helpful to my brethren, I thought it might be a nice public service to give you a few suggestions of things that should never be done while indulging in alcoholic beverages.
- The Bet: Anything that starts off with “I bet you can’t …” is sure to produce a moment of regret. Usually, this statement is followed by one of your friends doing something that brings stupidity to a whole new level. If you are the one that is suggesting this idiotic behavior, please make sure you have a good video to be posted on the web as there are many of us who spend hours going through those embarrassing moments for our enjoyment.
- “Watch This!”: This one, like the bet, is the reason we need more chlorine in the gene pool. It should almost be encouraged as a way to weed out the lesser mental giants of our species. Though entertaining, this statement is more often followed by a trip to the emergency room where the uninsured contribute to increasing medical premiums. These not-so-bright ideas are typically followed by acts so lacking in common sense, they would make the crew of Jackass cringe.
- Sex with a stranger: Oh, this sounds good even when sober, but the reality is that in the morning, one of the two previously intoxicated people will really regret this decision. This happens when one of the fornicating couple has moved way above their league, while the other has essentially gone slumming and will forever regret opening their eyes the next morning. How this ever happens is one of the mysteries in the way alcohol affects the brain. On one hand, it makes a person bolder, but on the other it makes that same person’s eyesight worse. Only the overly-bright light of day points out the obvious flaw in the night’s activity. The saddest part is that mostly likely you will not even remember if it was worth it.
- Dancing: If you cannot dance when sober, do all of us a favor and choose not to dance while drinking. Not only does it embarrass you, but you could hurt yourself or someone on the dance floor. Just because you have had a few beers, you have not magically transformed into either John Travolta or Justin Timberlake. And ladies, you are not J. Lo or Beyoncé by any stretch of the imagination. Alcohol has a way of making you feel like you are these people-the reality-you look like a worm caught on hot asphalt. Do us a favor, don’t do it. However in thinking about this, the other school of thought is – please, dance like no one’s watching, when in fact, everyone is not only watching, but laughing as they record you.
- Texting and Facebook updates: This is not a new issue but as technology gets more advanced, even your mother has a cell phone and Facebook account. Though we all appreciate your play-by-play as you crawl from one watering hole to the next, it becomes an issue when you feel compelled to share the graphic details at three in the morning. What is a worse major issue is when you mistakenly text your mom in your quest to update your friends. We all know emotions run very high as the booze soaks into your system, and the professing of love and devotion to your married friend is probably not the best moment of your evening. Telling your boss what you really think of them is bad on every level, but especially if they are the above mentioned married friend. As far as posting on Facebook, well, that is quite funny and we save those images to add captions to for our demotivational posters. In fact, I have funded this blog for some time off the sales…
Now, I am sure all these ideas seem completely normal, acceptable, even good, starting the moment the first drink passes your lips. I am speaking from personal experiences, none of these are good ideas (sorry mom for the text messages). Life may be short, but this fact does not mean you should choose to cram so many stupid moments into it. As for the friends who encourage the above behavior, you should be ashamed of yourself for not sharing the profits you are raking in from their alcohol induced misjudgements.
Following these simple rules will make your intoxication a pleasant experience. At least until you are hovering over the trashcan and seeing a moment of clarity.
Until next time…