In our current culture, Facebook dictates who we like and recognize as our friends. If you are not on our Facebook friends list, then you must not be someone we consider worthy of such a title. Never mind that we talk on the phone, at work, or when we get together in person; if you don’t make the cut on the almighty Facebook, you are not really my friend. I am truly sorry to break that news to you so publically on the internet. I would have notified you via my status update, but you wouldn’t see it because my Facebook is only for those people who are my friends and since you are not on the list, you wouldn’t have been given this little tidbit of wisdom. I know you were once in the know and on the elite list of friends but found yourself banished to obscurity without a warning or reason. It could have happened for one of many different reasons and I feel that I owe you an explanation about why you were kicked out of the cool kids’ crowd. So here are some of the reasons you have been defriended.
- For the love of the game: It seems that you had a whole lot of time on your hands to play online games. You filled my screen with your little achievement updates, and requested help building your barn, finding a stone, or kicking another player’s ass. I, however, do not have the luxury of time and have had less time due to having to sort through multiple pages of your game posts just to find something interesting from people who had something real to share. Sorry, but you have been deleted from the list and I truly hope that barn of yours burns to the ground.
- Breaking the chain: In the beginning, there were chain letters. Then came chain emails. In our new world, we have chain statuses. Like their predecessors, they do nothing more than piss off the people who feel guilty for not complying with the requested response. Thank you for the notification on the little girl that is suffering from a fatal acne breakout. I am sure that it will clear up after we re-post the story in our status. Well, I for one desire to live a guilt-free life and am willing to close my eyes to all of the suffering in the world to make it a better place for me. In honor of my new outlook, or lack thereof, I am purging you from my friends list in order to be a happier me. I feel better already.
- Drama class: I for one like a little bit of drama, as long as it is happening to someone else. The Drama Queens who display their drama for all to see can be quite amusing. However, when you constantly share your relationship issues, your pitiful life, or your hatred for your job, you cross over from the realm of amusing to pathetic. If I wanted to see that every day, I would watch reruns of the Jerry Springer Show. Your life is too depressing even for me. I highly recommend you should consider seeking help outside the electronic world.
- Manic moments: On the opposite side of the depressing drama are those of you that are chronically upbeat and cheerful. After reading your status messages every hour (because you post your joyful messages frequently), I almost wonder if your high spirits are a result of rainbows coming out of your ass. Your words of uplifting prose probably make you feel warm and fuzzy, but for those of us that live in the world of reality, you are obnoxiously manic. No one is that merry all the time; hence your deletion from the pool of friends. Call me cynical but I have no room for someone that is not honest with me on how shitty your life has truly become.
- Who the hell are you?: Just because you happen to be related to my second cousin by marriage and you have the same last name as I do does not mean that I know you. Though we attended the same school, church, or worked at the same fast food place doesn’t make us friends. In a moment of weakness (and curiosity) I accepted your friend request. I have since realized that weakness is not the way to live and have rectified that moment by deleting you out of my life. I feel stronger already.
I hope this clears up any questions that kept you up at night regarding the change of status. For a brief moment, we were thick as thieves and part of a greater societal circle together. May you go on to find friends that appreciate your uniqueness. I, for one, am not that friend.
Looking back over my friends list, I see a few members of my family, a few people that make me laugh with their posts, and a handful of people who are my only link to a life that is long past. I have come to realize that I must not be a good person as I have fewer friends than I thought. Maybe they deleted me because of the constant promotion of my blog. NAW, they love me.
Until next time…