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So You Want to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

22 Oct

The credits roll up the screen as the movie ends. After watching World War Z, Shaun of the Dead, and every single episode of The Walking Dead, a feeling of calm flows over you.  Piles of tattered zombie books, with colorful post-it notes protruding from the pages, are scattered around your windowless room. The house is quiet, which means your mom’s medicine must have kicked in and she will give you a moment of peace allowing you to continue your plans. Since the collapse of your motivational speaking career, the criminal charges filed, and your destruction by your wife in the divorce (who would have thought she would be that upset about your mistress?) living in your mother’s basement became your best option. Anyway who needs a job when the end is near and there is a higher calling? You have it all figured out as you eagerly await the zombie apocalypse and begin your true destiny. You are going to be a zombie killer.

To learn how you ended up in your mom’s basement, here is a review.

Be Ready

After hours of practice killing zombies in Left for Dead 2, you have the skills needed to champion the minority of the living. The only thing needed now is the zombie apocalypse to occur and catch up with your mad skills. When the dead turn the world into an all-you-can-eat-buffet, you will be ready for greatness.

The “bug out bag” is prepared with all the emergency items you will need: hatchet, variety pack of Combo Snacks, the goggles you stole from your high school shop class, a copy of Max Brooks’ The Zombie Survival Guide, and a roll of soft toilet paper. You wouldn’t want to be caught at the end of the world having to use the harsh paper found in most public restrooms.

Research done through movies, books, video games and graphic novels, you have studied all types of possible zombies and are ready to wipe them off the face of the Earth. The slow moving “shamblers” that were first reported in George A. Romero’s insightful documentary, Night of the Living Dead, will be no match for your moves as you dance around them. The faster zombies of World War Z may give you more of a challenge, but if Brad Pitt can survive, you can too. Pitt is pretty old these days. The biggest worry is the rage filled zombies of 28 Days Later. However, most zombie experts do not consider these rabid creatures to be zombies so you might be safe.

As you make a mental inventory of the types of zombies you may face, it is now time to figure out your weapons.

Tools of the Trade

Tools of the trade

Building the arsenal

What does any successful zombie annihilator require? Only the very best weapons will work for your new adventure. Since that pesky felony conviction (how can they say your motivational speaking career was a scam?) led to your probation, firearms are out of the question, well until the end comes.  You need alternate weaponry so locating the weapons for your arsenal becomes your priority.

Nothing tells the mindless undead that you mean business better than the right weapon. Anything will work in a dire situation, but you are a professional, so you will be prepared for the zombie apocalypse. Since your mom will not give you an allowance to buy the tools of your new zombie fighting trade, you have to start borrowing yard tools from your neighbors. The neighbors won’t need the tools back anytime soon and you need to build up your arsenal. In the dark corner of your basement command center, you have proudly built up a collection of axes, picks, shovels, and machetes. Who would have thought that people would be so generous and loan you their expensive yard tools? You have even talked the coach of the local little league into letting you borrow a few bats. See, the motivational speaker gig really did have potential.

Since you have to be mobile to save the world, it is now time to figure out your transportation.

The proper vehicle

Well, your mom’s car will never due for a proper post-apocalyptic world. Who wants to traverse the ruins of civilizations in a Geo Metro?

Zombie Monster Truck

Acquire the proper zombie killing vehicle

You need a bad-ass vehicle to go with your new zombie hunter/hero status. Since most of the world will not be as prepared as you, there isn’t a need to buy the perfect vehicle now. You plan to “acquire” the vehicle when most of the population suffers an untimely demise at the hands, or mouth, of the rampaging zombies. At this time you just need to keep an eye out for the perfect assault model befitting your hero status.

The military grade Humvee is a good choice. However, they might be difficult to find just parked in a driveway in your area. Thankfully, your neighborhood does seem to have an assortment of potential replacements. What better way to plow through the hordes of undead than with a “monster” truck? The large tires, high clearance, and multi-colored paint scheme will enhance your killing credentials. The roar of the loud exhaust will announce your presence as you rush in to rescue the damsel in distress. You can just picture yourself driving off into the sunset, spewing a black cloud of exhaust. Yep, that will be your moment of glory.

Unleash the fury

As you mentally check off the important items of your new zombie hunting trade, you grow even more confident in all your meticulous planning. The few pounds you have gained in recent months will only enhance your towering presence. The patchy beard and coffee stained teeth will give you the menacing appearance needed to strike fear in the non-beating heart of your zombie enemies. Your imagination drifts as visions of grandeur float in your head and your excitement builds to start wiping out zombies. You visualize the people you know karma will make into zombies and anticipate them suffering your wrath. It’s not like you have a list of potential people you want to be zombies… Oh, what a moment you will have as fear registers in the undead eyes of your victims. Greatness is only an apocalypse away!

Admiring you forward thinking abilities and total preparedness, you ease back into your sweat stained couch, knock the empty pizza boxes off the cinder-block coffee table with your feet and think to yourself, “When the zombies attack, I will be a legend…” 

Until next time…

jerryb

© 2013

Related articles:  So You Want to Be a Motivational Speaker; So You Want to Be A Blogger;

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6 Comments

Posted by on October 22, 2013 in Humor, zombies

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

6 responses to “So You Want to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

  1. Anonymous

    October 22, 2013 at 9:24 am

    You forgot about the bubble wrap!

     
    • Jerry B.

      October 22, 2013 at 9:27 am

      Bubble wrap just might protect us from the nasty, biting zombies. Stealth might be an issue and then there would be your friends that would want to continually pop the bubbles. That would be bad on a mission. 🙂

      Thanks for visiting

       
  2. Alex

    October 22, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    Don’t forget the duct tape. When a piece of what used to be someone’s arm or leg cuts a fuel line on the monster truck, you need duct tape. He’ll, this might be even more important than a big bag of crunchy potatoe chips in a zombie filled world.

     
    • Jerry B.

      October 22, 2013 at 4:11 pm

      DUCT TAPE!!! How could I forget the Duct Tape. There are so many uses for this. I might need to use it to keep the monster truck together. I mean after running over the hordes of zombies, there might be some damage to the truck. Now, I don’t think it will be more important than the Combos, but I do think that it should be stock piled.

      Thanks for your suggestion.
      -jb

       
  3. Jack Flacco

    October 23, 2013 at 7:07 pm

    Great post, Jerry! And yes, whatever happened to the duct tape? Being Canadian and all, duct tape is a staple survival item for us. We’re enamored with the item. Well, the oversight is understandable considering of all the zombies chasing after everyone. I’d also include a good supply of aspirin. You never know when those panic headaches will hit!

     
    • Jerry B.

      October 24, 2013 at 11:07 am

      Jack,
      Duct tape and asprin, got it. I will have to add to my list for my “bug out bag”. I refuse to put in the pink camouflage duct tape in the bag. I will stick with silver and black. I would like to see a list of what everyone thinks should be in the survival bag in case of a zombie attack. Anyone have their list ready?
      -jb

       

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