“Well, it is official. He didn’t pay the child support again. Time to take him to court. Why doesn’t he see that I love him so much?”
Yes, it is time for another entertaining day reading Facebook posts. Somewhere in the not too distant past, civilization has lost its sanity. Social media allows users to take their drama to the world stage in ways never thought possible before. Daily, users vent their frustrations about their ex-spouse, relationships, and work. Nothing is sacred from the quickly typed (and usually misspelled) mental vomit. The only requirement is access to the internet, a Facebook account, and enough self-loathing to have all of your dirty little secrets exposed for your entire friends list. It does not matter that a majority of the “friends” on that list are strangers added to fulfill your conquest on Farmville. Some Facebook Drama Queens are so entertaining it is difficult to bring oneself to “unfriend” them out of fear of missing what will come next. (NOTE: This same fear is why it is nearly impossible to change the station when TMZ comes on the air. Admit it- if you see more than a minute of TMZ, you are sucked into the whole show. Drama Baby!)
Not all Facebook Drama Queens are created equal. Life would be boring if Drama Queens came in a one-size fits all package. We need variety to spice up our lives. Facebook users give us endless supplies of spicy goodness. Let us look at a few common categories of Drama Queens.
Victim of the Player
Being a victim is not easy. Hopes and dreams of the perfect future hang on the person of your dreams. You spent the morning sharing how magical the night was when you met. How it was love at first sight, you are so meant to be together. The insignificant facts that you met that person at sleazy bar the night before, after a massive quantity of chocolate vodka martinis, and they were gone before you woke this morning, might be an indicator that your need to re-evaluate your standards. But hey we are talking about “the one” after all. So then, after your daylong profession of love, your status messages start to take a darker turn when he or she does not call you. Over the next few days, you spiral from the love-struck statuses to the hate filled insults we so enjoy.
The “Victim” will entertain us for days until they finally come to the realization that they are better off without the “loser” who is not good enough for them. This realization is usually applauded in the fifty comments from other “victims” who plan an outing to celebrate the newfound independence. The celebration usually leads to meeting another “person of their dreams” and the cycle starts all over again.
“It is so amazing, our eyes met across the liquor store. We shared a night of blissful decadence.” What follows are weeks of happy status messages, that is until the inevitable breakup post makes everything interesting. Messages that read like the Facebook version of a Jerry Springer show fill the newsfeed. If we are lucky, it is a two-way fight where friends on both sides join in on the bashing. Eventually, one of the scorned lovers will drop out of the verbal boxing match. However, the fun is far from over.
The “Crazy Stalker” is similar to the “Victim” only they do not ever seem to reach the point of letting go. Weeks turn into months as the “Stalker” seeks out and post comments to every friend of his or her obsession. The Status updates read like a play-by-play of their stalking prowess bordering on the illegal. The subject of the stalker’s interest is usually strangely absent from the exchange, but that cannot be said of their friends who take up the charge in the status wars. All can have fun, as we are reminded of how interesting and torturous it is to be single.
When looking at the proverbial glass as being half-full or half-empty, Facebook Drama Queens wonder who drank their water. Nothing is every bright and sunny. Whining is the not only the norm, but required with every character typed. How they have the motivation to actively participate in the world around them is nothing short of amazing. It is time to introduce the most depressing of our Drama Queens, the Eeyore.
If ever you need a reminder that your life is not that bad, just look up the “Eeyore” on your friends list. You know who I am talking about, the person whose status messages almost make you want to jump off the nearest bridge. While reading the status message, you almost hear Eeyore’s mono-toned voice in your head droning on about how their car broke down or they are “stuck” at home again on a Friday night with no money, no friends, and no future. Eeyores typically hate their job, their family, or just about everything in existence. Not all Eeyores are hypochondriacs, but those that are post every ache and pain. Oh, the horror they must endure from that fungal infected toenail. After reading a few posts, you will be thankful for whatever life has dealt you.
The Compulsive “Over-sharer”
For the record, no, we do not want to know about the new sore that appeared on your little toe. Nor do we wish to hear about the exact ingredients of your dinner, how it well your new colon cleansing routine is working, or the mystical answers you have found in inspirational memes. Yet, we seem to be fascinated by our last entry on our list of Facebook Drama Queens, the “Compulsive Over-sharer”.
As a rule, the Over-sharer is on the fringe of the Drama Queen spectrum. Most of their statuses are reposts of every meme on the internet, however in the process, they feel the need to update their friends on even the most minute aspect of their lives, their thoughts, and personal hygiene. Over time, we know more about the Over-sharer than we do about our own lives. Though not as fun as some of the others on the list, we know exactly what the Over-sharer is doing at any given moment. Sometimes, this knowledge should not be viewed before dinner, bed, or first thing in the morning. You never know what you might read.
WARNING: Attention all Facebook Drama Queens!
You may currently be on our friends list, however it is only a matter time before we remove you. If you wonder why we are not friends anymore, read The Friendship is Over…Just Ask Facebook. That should clear things up for you.
Do you have Facebook Drama Queens on your friends list? What are some of your funniest stories based on Facebook statuses?
Until next time…